Instagram: Why your Direct Message isn’t getting a reply (and how to change that)
The magic of Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook is that the people who you choose to follow often aren’t celebrities, they’re just normal people you have something in common with who are sharing parts of their lives. Maybe you like their photography style, or their careers, or the way they use certain words. Maybe it’s that girl who you went to elementary school with who posts all her life drama (and you follow it like a soap opera) even though you haven’t spoken in 10 years. Whatever the reason you follow them, the mere act of following them makes you feel closer, makes you want to reach out.
Instagram has a nifty feature I call the “outer inbox” – where messages go when you don’t follow a person. It’s a kind of safety net so that random strangers can’t harass you and force notifications to come up on your phone. As your follower count grows, the number of messages in this outer-inbox increase and you have to develop a way to figure out what messages to respond to (and what not to). So if you’ve ever messaged an Instagram account and wondered why you never got a response, it might be because of these*:
*Disclaimer: These are guidelines based on personal anecdotes over the past 6+ months running a personal account
7 Reasons Your Message isn’t Getting a Response
Reason #1: They do not owe you their time
This one is probably the biggest: unless you’re messaging a business or celebrity with a PR person, you’re trying to get in contact with a real-live-human-being. When you’re looking at accounts, it’s easy to forget that they’re real humans with jobs and errands to run. Responding to messages takes time and energy that could be spent doing other things, like, sleeping.
Personally, I choose to set aside my time for family members, my significant other, my coworkers (because I’m literally paid for that), and friends who I love and care about. Those are the people who I willingly allow to interrupt my day and take up time where I could be doing laundry, reading a book, gardening, going to the grocery store, etc.
My notifications for social media are turned off, so if I respond to messages, it’s because I’ve set aside time in my day to respond to them (and sometimes life just gets busy).
What would be a better message: Candidly, it doesn’t matter what message you send, people do not owe you their time if you don’t have a personal or professional arrangement
Reason #2: Your message might make them uncomfortable
As a woman (I don’t know if men get these kinds of messages and comments) I have people that will comment on my appearance. It’s the equivalent of a digital cat-call. If you want to see how much girls enjoy it when it happens in real life check out how much fun this girl is having.
I’m not going to respond if you message me telling me how beautiful I am (or if you’ve noticed I’m gaining weight) because quite frankly that isn’t the focus of my account and I don’t want you to keep doing it.
What would be a better message: If you want to comment on something purely aesthetic, look at what their account content is about and show appreciation for that.
If they post about going to the gym, talk about their gym workout or their sense of fashion. Talk about the composition of the photo, the colors, etc. etc.
Reason #2.5: You “just want to get to know them”
While I share very specific parts of my life/creativity on Instagram, when internet-strangers want to be included in other vague parts of my life it makes me a little uncomfortable. This line may be different for everyone, but personally that’s a hard boundary that I don’t cross.
What would be a better message: Ask them about the theme of their account, why they started the account, what they want to do with it. Look at what they are willing to share and ask about that.
Reason #3: You’re getting really, really, familiar
Social media breaks down perceived boundaries, that’s one of the great parts about being able to do this whole micro-blogging thing: sharing common experiences. However, nothing throws up a red flag faster than a stranger saying “Hey, why haven’t we talked in a while” when the entirety of our previous interactions was answering a single question.
Why does that throw up a red flag? You might just be trying to be nice, but in a world where internet stalkers are very real and situations can escalate quickly, someone you have had limited interactions with giving you attention without additional context can cause some serious anxiety.
What would be a better message: If you want to follow up with someone, then make it meaningful. Send them a link related to what their interests are, ask a question. They may or may not respond to that and that’s okay!
Reason #4: Your message has no content
Saying only “Hello” is not a great conversation starter if you aren’t on a dating application or in real life. From an account management perspective, there’s no context for where the conversation is going to go, so these messages often get forgotten about (particularly if there are other messages with more content and context to them).
What would be a better message: Check out the list below
Reason #5: You are trying to sell something they don’t need
I don’t want to waste either of our time’s when I know I won’t change my mind, and I don’t want to get harassed for four months because I tried to be nice and say “no” gently (this has happened).
What also falls into this category is if you’re trying to promote something. If your first message to me is “Hey, tell people about my website” with no context, that doesn’t leave a great impression.
What would be a better message: Target your messages and if you think you’ve got something good then send it as a request, not a demand.
As an example, I am happy to share resources and recommendations on my account, but only if I feel like I can actually get behind whatever I am recommending.
Reason #6: They don’t need to prove anything to you
When my account started gaining enough attention that strangers started messaging me, I felt like I had to respond. If they asked what languages I programmed in, if they asked if I was really a developer – it felt like I was being interrogated** and if I didn’t respond then the world would end . What I eventually realized is that it wouldn’t end, and my life would be better if I didn’t respond to those messages because they never stopped coming.
Because I do think questions are important, I started an FAQ page, I created an “Ask” link which people could submit questions to that would get publicly answered if selected, and I made those as visible as possible on my social media profiles.
What would be a better message: If you’re genuinely curious, have you done your research first? If not, has the account provided an avenue for asking questions? Do they have their comments open to questions?
** For some cultural context, on Instagram a common criticism is that female developers look more like models than programmers, or the delightful sentiment is shared that “Girls can’t code” – as a woman who can code, that’s not a great thing to read in her own personal comments section
Reason #6.5: You’re giving unsolicited advice
There’s no good, honest, response to unsolicited advice that makes everyone happy.
Reason #7: You are asking them to help you with your projects/job/networking (for free)
I think this one is pretty straightforward (for me at least):
- I have a full time job
- I have personal projects that I work on when I am not doing that job
- It is not my job to do your job
- I’m not an expert in everything, and if your question is totally unrelated to my area of expertise, I may not even be able to start to help you
I do connect people who seem like good fits (ex: if you’re a WordPress developer and someone asks me if I develop on WordPress, or you’re looking for remote work and someone legitimate asks me if I am willing to work remotely). If I say that I can’t be of use to you then I’m not lying or trying to hide resources from you, I just honestly don’t have the capacity to help and trying to push me further isn’t going to get a positive (or any) response.
What would be a better message:
- If the person already has a job and you think you might want to employ them: say that.
- Connect on LinkedIn, ask about what kind of work they want to do in 5 years.
- If the person is an artist/freelancer then ask about rates, or ask if they’re taking new bookings (if it isn’t clarified on their website/profile).
4 Types of Messages that Anyone can Appreciate
Not all direct messages were created equally, and there are some that are always cool to receive. If you aren’t getting responses to the messages below, then the person running the account is probably just really busy doing their thing.
Message #1: You’re telling your story/genuinely asking for advice
Stories are awesome, I like hearing about people succeeding (or people who need encouragement). I am so down for that (and assume other people are too).
When talking about advice, I’m not talking about “What should I program in?” (I don’t know what you should program in). I’m talking about ‘Hey, this is my situation, I see that you have experience with x”
“X” could be: the Dallas job market, working as a developer in consulting, working for the specific company I’m with, what the real world is like versus being in school, etc. If enough people ask the same questions I will probably write a blog post about it.
Caveat: When your question is specific to your life/region I can’t help you out. I can really only speak to my own experiences
Message #2: You’re asking about something I have mentioned in a story
If I mention something and you don’t know what it is – I will absolutely tell you. If I’m posting about it then it’s just general knowledge for me, but not necessarily anyone else. I also really appreciate people who ask questions in the comment section of my posts because it can then help other people as well.
Message #3: You are providing encouragement, camaraderie, or talking about something that helped you
It probably won’t start a long conversation, but I will probably say thank you if I have time. When people tell me what I do that they appreciate it helps me know what I should be focusing on more (talking about personal experiences, technical things, or posting cute pictures of animals, etc).
Message #4: You are asking me to do something for you that could potentially help or encourage other people
Things like asking me to write something up for a blog, do an interview, or recommend a product. If it’s something that makes development more accessible, I’m all for it. If you’re a company that wants me to recommend something then I’m not going to unless I have personal experience with it, but I am always open to trying stuff out.
Caveat: Life gets busy and these things take time, sometimes that’s the biggest factor in whether these messages get a response or not. If you’ve gotten one response then radio silence, reminders are great! Just a quick “Hey, are you still interested in this?” Can go a long way.
Message #5: You are a real human in close proximity to me and we just haven’t met yet
I had a coworker who I vaguely knew message me on Instagram and ask me to grab coffee – I said “yes” in a heartbeat because:
A. I knew she wasn’t a serial killer or stalker and
B. It was a great idea.
Working a 9 to 5 is hard in that sometimes you’re so focused on your work that it’s hard to make friends. Also, if a reputable company holds an event in Dallas (like a coffee shop or a technology event) I totally want to hear about it if they’re doing something cool (and invite people, and tell the world about it).
It’s important to remember that the people on the other side of the screen are people with lives and feelings (this goes both ways). Just because social media gives you opportunities 24/7 to contact people doesn’t mean that people are available to connect 24/7. It is, however, a great place to network with people who have different experiences than you and to learn from what others are willing to share.
Do you have a different way of handling your inbox or are sometimes baffled as to how to respond to weird messages? Let me know in the comments below.